Monday, September 25, 2006

Twelve to go and uh-oh...

I was paranoid that the radiation wasn't actually working, because after 5 weeks I had NO reddening or pain. Well, today it looks preeeeetty red. And last night it hurt when I slept on my stomach. Yeeeoooowww!!! At least I know it's working, but I'm scared it's going to get worse. I heard it could even blister and peel and turn purple.

And the update on the tattoos is that I found two amazing shops right near us. Both shops have award winning artists, and both do amaaaazing work. Now I just have to decide which one to choose. Decisions, decisions.

Things I'm grateful for today:

Um, just about everything!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Thirteen to go!...

I only have 13 more radiation treatments left!!! So far I haven't really had any side effects, which is good. It is waaaay easier and way better than the chemo.

I do have to start my Tamoxifen, which I'm not all that excited about. Two of it's worst side effects are Endometrial Cancer and Uterine Cancer. Because my tumor was estrogen receptive, I have to take it to block my estrogen. And I have to take it for 5 years! It's supposed to be very effective at preventing a reoccurance.

The most common side effect of Tamoxifen is HOT FLASHES! Ugh. No more hot flashes puuhhleeeeze!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Fight Like A Girl!...

Three years ago Nikki wanted to get her bellybutton pierced (at 16) and John said the ONLY way he'd allow it, is if she swore to never get a tattoo. Never. Even at 40! lol. She agreed, mostly because she was never passionate enough about anything to get one. Until now.

She asked me the other day if I thought John would agree to her getting a breast cancer tattoo. I was soooooo touched. Then she asked if I'd get one with her, and I said, YES!

So...John has reluctantly agreed, and we're planning our tattoos.

Nikki's will be the pink ribbon, surrounded by Mother's, Daughter's, Sister's, Friend's, in the shape of a heart.

And mine, which I am SO excited about, will be pink boxing gloves hanging from the pink breast cancer ribbon, instead of rope or string. It will say, "Fight Like A Girl". I think, Fight will be on top, and Like A Girl, on the bottom. But not sure yet. And I might have the Mother's, Sister's, Daughter's, Friend's, going around the ribbon in smaller writing.

Kim is getting one, too! Anyone want to join us for a good cause?

If you stand for Nothing, you'll fall for Anything...

I don't know why, but that saying has been stuck in my head for weeks. I love that saying because it is so true. It's so easy to be mislead by people or by things in this life, but if you stand firm in your beliefs, you will stay strong.

Why I'm grateful today:

I have a wonderfully supportive husband who is my rock.

My hair is starting to grow back! Seems trivial, but it sure feels good!

I'm alive.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

MENOPAUSE SUCKS...

It is seriously kicking my butt. I'm only 41 and wasn't expecting this, yet. The hot flashes are HORRIBLE! My head sweats soooooooo bad, my heart races, my skin tingles, and I literally feel like I want and need to climb out of my skin. I hate it and never really understood what a hot flash was. I just assumed you got a little hot. HAHA! Soooooo NOT the case. It's indescribable unless you've experienced a true hot flash.

And the MOOOOOOOOD SWINGS! Oy. Stay out of my way, people! I can't even stand myself!

But...I am still grateful today, and here are some of the reasons why...

Jesus loves me no matter how grumpy and imperfect I am.
So does John :)
And my dogs.
Not so sure about my girls, lol, but I AM grateful for them!
Also for my friends, who I cherish and love very much.
Very grateful for the internet, and all the support groups it offers, especially the breast cancer chat I found last night when I REALLY needed it!



One more view of my favorite room...

I'm constantly straightening that one picture! Our garage door is to the left, and always causes that picture to move!

And there's an interesting story behind that green table (which I love) that I'll have to post. My "Jersey" attitude came in very handy that day!
This is the view from our backyard. Not sure how well you can see it, but in person, it's really pretty.

My hubby doing what he does best...

John's favorite spot. On the floor playing video games. Arrrggh. Well, at least when he's not on the computer playing poker. MEN! Gotta love 'em.

Christmas all year at our house...

And here's our little, country livingroom. The blanket on the back of the couch was made for me by Nikki, my youngest step-daughter. It's breast cancer fabric. And the patchwork quilt over to the right (is hanging on a rocker) was made by her as a christmas present to me. I LOVE snowmen and gingerbread, and the whole quilt is of them. It's beautiful in person.

This is our first house (at 41!) and we're all very proud of it.

My retreat...

The woman we bought the house from had lymphoma (yes, cancer, too!), and she created this backyard as her retreat, and now it's mine. There's a swing on the patio (that you can't see) where I love to sit and watch the sunset. It's gorgeous out here in the desert.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Is it REALLY September?!...

OMG! I haven't blogged since June! Where has the time gone?

SO MUCH has happened since June! Where to begin?

Well, for starters, I had my FINAL CHEMO ON JULY 18TH!! And although it was the roughest of all, IT'S DONE!!! And in spite of it being hard, my wonderful sister, Barb, was here from NJ taking care of me. So how can I really complain? She took amazing care of all of us. In fact, after she left John was sad because he got used to her delicious, HUGE meals everynight! :)

Not only did she care for us, but because of incredibly bad timing, we were moving into our new home ONE WEEK after my last treatment! Barb packed up our entire 3 bedroom apt herself. She's truly amazing.

So, July 18th final chemo, moved into new home July 30th!

That was very interesting. It's our first house, and we were super excited. But when we pulled up with the moving truck and all of our helpers, we found our house FLOODING from both bathroom celings. Uh...I kinda freaked, but as always, John was a rock.

Anyway, although we haven't fixed the damage yet, things are great here, and the homeowners insurance is paying. So, all is well.

SO...timeline...July 18th final chemo, July 30th MOVE, August 6th trip to Holland! I had one week (while still having major chemohead) to get my house in order.

We had a wonderful trip, thanks to my mil, who paid for the entire thing! My fil is 90 and very ill, and it was the first time I got to meet him. He's adorable! He's a bit of a ladies man, even at his age! I told John I was getting a shirt made up that said, "I went to Holland and all I got was this lousy T-shirt and accosted by Pop!" Everytime he hugged me, he practically ripped my wig off! lol. It was hilarious. I'd walk away from his bed all disheveled.

Ohhhh, the memories!

Okay. Since then. Got home from trip August 17th, started radiation treatments Aug 21st. I've been going EVERYDAY since then. Things *seem* to be going well. No side effects so far. I'm getting a bit paranoid that it isn't working! lol.

It's been 8 weeks since my last chemo, and unfortunately, my hair hasn't started growing at all yet, but I'm sure it's coming.

Whew. What else has been going on? Well, my nephew Joe, who lived us for 8 months, because of drug/alchohol abuse and other issues in NJ, decided to go back while we were in Holland. That was heartbreaking for me. He came in Dec of last year, and was making great strides, but then I got cancer, and his dad (my brother) ended up in Jail, and he went downhill. At 18, coming from an abusive family, he didn't have the coping skills to deal. John and I tried SO hard to reach him, but with my fatigue and chemo related side effects, I just couldn't find the strength to do it on a daily basis. It was VERY HARD, and I miss him terribly.

Well, this is already a novel, so I'll stop here.

Things I'm grateful for today...
Jesus
Being alive
My family
Friends
A beautiful, beautiful day outisde.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

There's No Place Like Home...

We got home from Vegas last night, and I have to be honest, I was pretty homesick! I've never gotten homesick before when John and I have gone away, so it was kind of strange. ESPECIALLY since today is my 4th chemo treatment and home respresents THAT!

But I discovered that home also represents SO MUCH MORE. There is no other place that makes me feel so loved and safe.

I missed my girls so much, including the dogs. And I really just wanted to get back.

We had fun, but I really couldn't help but feeling, there's no place like home. And for someone from an a very abusive home who never had a sense of home, that really means so much to me.

God blessed me beyond measure when he brought me to John 7 years ago, and allowed me to be Mom to these amazing girls. God IS good ALL the time, and I couldn't make it without Him or my family.

And my friends are pretty amazing, too! :)

John has gotten VERY into watching The World Series of Poker on TV and LOVES it and has been dying to play. He signed up for a tournament in Vegas for $50.00, which gave him and everyone else $2500.00 in chips. It was HIS FIRST TIME playing!

He played with very experienced players, some of whom you could tell did this everyday. Well, he impressed the heck out of me. He came in 5th out of 21 players, and in his second tourny he came in THIRD out of 18. Most of the players were the same, were freakin' GOOD.

He has a real knack for poker, it's neat to watch. John is a man of VERY few words. He's soft spoken most of the time and shy. Those qualities really came in handy because he didn't say much (mostly because he was shy with 10 strangers at his table, but it gave him an air of myster, which really worked. He wore sunglasses, too.

I was so proud of him, and loved seeing him play. That was the highlight of my trip.

Things I'm grateful for today:
GOD
My family, including my two puppers.
My desire to write, which doesn't happen often, lately.
My friends.
Chemotherapy, as much as I DREAD going today, it's curing me and THAT is priceless.
Life.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Countdown is on...

For my next chemo on Tuesday. I'm counting down the days, which I shouldn't be doing, but there you go. It's hard not to do it when I'm feeling SOOOOOOO GOOD right now, and after Tuesday I'll feel horrible for about 10 days.

My taste is really returning, too! Buh-bye, food. Oh, well.

At least I know that it'll only take about 2 weeks or so for my taste to return, my face to clear up, my fatigue to fade, my awful heartburn to go away and all of my side effects to start disappearing after my LAST chemo, which is July 18th, THANKYOUVERYMUCH! I CANNOT WAIT.

Also...DRUMROLL...PLEASE...my hair sill start growing back and won't fall out!!!! YES! No more strange looking bald lady running around my house! Now if that isn't something to look forward to, I don't know WHAT is!

I met a woman in Staters the other day (she works there) who asked me if I had breast cancer. She had it 3 years ago, the worst kind. Inflammatory Ductal Carcinoma. And she said when my hair grows back I'll stroke it like a baby kitten, and that's how SOFT it'll be! And she's 3 years cancer-free!! Woo hoo!!! She was a very sweet woman, and I'm happy that I met her.

We're planning an End Of Chemo Party for me after I'm done. A big outdoor celebration. I also can't wait for that. I just have to see how the radiation effects me, first. That'll be going on for about 6 weeks after the chemo ends.

That's about it for this beautiful Wednesday. Other than I did some writing! I reworked my first chapter a bit, and I'm pretty happy with it. I even critiqued t myself to see if there was a value change, goals thwarted and conflict. Go me! Now if I could just get off page 12 and actually start moving! I guess a little bit is better than nothing.

Things I'm grateful for today:
My faith.
Being alive.
My taste returning!
My family.
My upcoming Vegas weekend.
The Cherries, who unburdened me from drowning beneath $7500.00 in medical bills.
My doctors.
And as always, it goes without saying, my family.


Saturday, May 27, 2006

Must Love Dogs...

A great movie, btw.

As I was driving earlier with Kristina, I found myself ooohhhing and ahhhing over an adorable little white dog that was happily sitting on its owners lap in the passenger seat of a car. I realized something. I get so excited and fuss over dogs the way most women fuss over babies. Hmm. Odd, but true.

I LOVE dogs. They truly do make me happy. When I look at Domino, our newest addition (lol, I accidentally typed addiction instead of addition, and it sort of fits) I immediately smile, the way I did when I looked at, Kira. My beloved 13 yo shihtzu who passed on.

I've passed on my love for dogs to my two daughters, and also to John. He is so smitten by Domino, it isn't even funny!

Don't get me wrong. We love Miss Diva, too. She's our little Diva and pretty much the boss of me. It's just that Domino is this little, 10 lb animated thing with Groucho Marx eyes, and a suspicous little nature, and just the funniest personality I've ever seen.

Okay. Addiction or addition. I'll leave that up to you :)

Health update: Feeling pretty darn good today. Lots of energy and I could actually taste raisinets before. All in all, a pretty good day.

Things I'm grateful for today:
Being alive.
My sisters.
The internet.
My love for dogs.
God.

Me...

Here's me in my funky little burgandy wig. I'll have to post some pictures of the real me in my wigs.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Big Cherry Love...

My sister and sil, Jules, both sent me amazing gifts today. Barb sent me a Mary Englebreight crock pot which is soooooooo adorable! I can't wait to use it. The reason behind that is even sweeter. She's coming to stay with me in July for my last treatment, and wants to use it to cook for us. She knows how picky John is, and this way she can make roasts and all kinds of yummy dishes.

And Jules sent me a box of cherry goodies. Adorable cherry slip on sneakers, a cherry purse and a plaque. The plaque is hanging above my desk and is so inspirational.

Courage
Doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is
the quiet voice at
the end of the day
saying,

"I will try again
tomorrow."

::sniffle, sniffle:: I will remember this when I have my next chemo and am being hard on myself for being weak.

Where oh where have my taste buds gone?

I am a foodie. I don't eat to live. I live to eat. And one of the things that chemo has done is to completely wipe out my taste. Blah. I just ate pizza and it tasted like glue. ::sigh:: Thankfully it's temporary, along with the other side effects like my lovely bald head. But still. Just ick. And of course it couldn't wipe out your sense of smell, too. Oh, no. Everything smells just as yummy as always, and then you taste it and it's always a shock.

Oh well. Things can always be worse, right? I truly do know this, and try to never take anything for granted.

Things I'm grateful for today...
Being alive.
My family.
My faith.
My wonderful friends (some of whom I called a writers group in my earlier post, and they are SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT TO ME. They're my sisters.)
My puppers.
Have I mentioned being alive? :)

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Vegas or bust, baby!...

First I have to say that yesterday I had my first red blood count booster because I'm anemic now, due to chemo (and have been feeling like death!) and today I feel GREAT for the first time in over a week! I have energy! Energy! I almost forgot what that felt like! Wooo woooo!

And now onto Vegas! One of my all time favorite places, and only 4 hours from home. Me and John are going next Sunday, because if I don't get away for at least a day, I will probably lose my mind. I was first thinking Julian, which I've been longing to go to. It's a quaint little town in the mountains near San Diego. I thought I'd found a great deal on a hotel for only $77.00 for Sunday night. That's all we're staying for, one night. But then I found $44.00 at the Stratosphere in Vegas! Ummm....can you say no brainer? At least for us. Julian doesn't give free alcohol! Another reason I love Vegas. I sit at the slots and barely put any money in, and drink Kahlua and cream. Yumm. And John usually plays $1 blackjack, but now he's become obsessed with Texas Hold 'Em, so that's where he'll be. And luckily our hotel has one of the cheapest poker rooms.

So...for next to nothing I can get away for 24 hours or more, relax and just forget about everything for a while. YEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!!

The last time we went away was the weekend of my diagnosis, when John surprised me with a trip to Monterey and Carmel. What an AWESOME weekend we had. I cried a lot, and laughed a lot, and had an amazing time. And I expect Vegas to be just as wonderful.

Thursday is a VERY, VERY, GOOD day! :)


Wednesday, May 24, 2006

This is me (I wish!) in my pink breast cancer cap, with my blonde wig, and my favorite scarf (that I really have!) that I still wear, even though it's HOT. My good friend Heidi made it for me, and it always makes me feel hugged!

My first blog...

Where do I begin? I guess I'll start with the name of my blog. That's from the Ford Cares Breast Cancer website, and I love it. The saying is...In Every Woman There Is A Fighter, A Survivor, A Believer...A Warrior In Pink.

As of February 8th, I, too, became a Warrior In Pink. I've always been a believer, but now I'm a fighter, too, and I WILL be a survivor.

I'm still very early into the disease and treatment. My surgery to remove the tumor and lymph nodes was February 28th. The surgery went very well, although recovery of the lymph node dissection was rough and my arm is still numb, which is permanent. But it was my FIRST surgery EVER and I loved my surgeon.

I started my chemotherapy in April and just finished my third, which means I'm halfway through! Wooo hooo! I am counting down the days.

I've lost all of my hair, but thankfully NOT my eyelashes or eyebrows! It was quite a shock at first, especially because my head isn't as attractive as one might've hoped, but we've all gotten used to it. My biggest side effect from treatment is fatigue. It's awful. I can barely function for the first week after treatment. This last session was worse, and we found out I'm anemic. I got a booster today, and that should help.

I also had a portacath put in my chest for my chemo, because I don't have good veins in my left arm. That's the only arm that can be used. I LOVE my port! I would recommend it to anyone having chemo. And again, I love my surgeon. He did a wonderful job.

It's been a crazy ride for all of us, but we're a team and we're getting through. And to make things easier on us, my writers group, The Cherries, started a fundraiser for our medical bills! They raised over $5000!!! I was totally blown away when I found out what they'd done for me. They are THE MOST amazing women on the planet. And because of their kindness and generosity, we were able to pay off all our medical bills, except my surgeon! ALL OF THEM!

Even through this very difficult time, God has blessed us SO much and I never doubt his plans for me. He is incapable of letting us down, and through his stripes I shall be healed.

The fight continues, but I'm ready for battle. I AM a Warrior In Pink. And I will survive.